Filed under: new experience
Hey guys,
I haven’t been posting much due to the fact that I have had so much to do. For the past month (or maybe even more, my memory is being dodgy), I have been:
1) Preparing and sitting for my guitar exam. I was only notified two weeks before the exam. I don’t know if I’ll pass omg.
2) Preparing (well, not really, but I think about it alot, if that counts) for a dance performance. I probably did screw up on stage, but I think I performed above my own expectations 
3) Thinking about my studies.
4) Finishing assignments.
5) Going out with friends.
6) Spending time with my brother from another mother (extremely important!).
I’m having two papers from my ADP subjects next week. A couple of weeks after that would be my B. Psych finals.
I’ve learned a lot during the course of this semester. I’ve learned to open up my mind, broaden my worldview, and have certainly matured more as a person. Although it has been challenging taking up these combination of subjects, but it’s really enriching to be able to learn so much in such a limited amount of time. I might not be able to maintain my CGPA, but it has been a wonderful experience 
. I never knew formal education would have this impact on me.
Well, it has been a semester full of ups and downs (plus a fair share of alcohol) both academically and personally. I’m glad that I did not take the easy way out.
The blog would not be as active till this is all over. Good night folks.
Filed under: The Game.
Filed under: hormonal imbalance
Today I am sad.
A while back, I did not know Choice. I persevered through everyday life knowing well that the next day would be the same.
The day when peer pressure got the best of me, I persevered.
The day I got my heart broken, I persevered.
The day I realized that my dreams were too big for me, I persevered.
When sometimes things get too hard to handle, I persevered.
However, my perseverance took me nowhere, as the next day would again be a day of perseverance.
It was then I discovered Choice.
There are times when it seems like I am left with no choice, that the cosmos had it all laid out for me- a plan for my life.
But did I actually consider actions that seemed counter-intuitive, or choices that are seemingly impossible? When all odds are against me, was I really left with no choice?
I now know that I have found a great tool in life – Choice.
Choice opened my eyes to the many possibilities of how I should live my life. There is always Choice, it is just that I did not take it seriously.
When we are stuck in a rut, when it seems like there is nothing else to do but to give up, when you are at a tipping point- just know that Choice is always by your side.
Knowing that I have Choice made me a better person.
Today I am sad, but Choice gave me the keys to my life.
Filed under: hormonal imbalance
Filed under: And Socrates laughed in his grave, new experience, the opposite sex
It is 2:13 am. I am typing this as a turning point. A turning point to fix myself for good.
The past few months have been (relatively) the worst I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve been swallowed, chewed up, and spit out. I’ve been having inner conflicts, many which questioned my identity, my purpose, my existence.
Throughout my entire life, I’ve been (again, relatively) a good person. A person who wouldn’t hurt an ant, with a strong essence of what is right and wrong. A person with strong inner morality in terms of justice and equality.
I do not voice it out most of the time, but I believe my actions do show it.
But who are we to kid?
The order of what I perceive as necessary and important in life have been so jumbled up that I am not able to grasp my understanding of society anymore.
Recent happenings have showed me that there is more to understand in terms of human behavior. Lies and deceit are truths and vice versa, it is just that I was not able to see it.
I was gullible. I was naive.
My interest in understanding people has been sky-rocketing, and I am to start on a journey of self discovery, and commence on a re-engineering of my inner social psyche.
When it is me against the world, the only way to fit in is to change myself.
More machine than man, a necessary adjustment.
Survival of the fittest.
Filed under: bigger than my body, hormonal imbalance, retrograde, the opposite sex
Anxious/ambivalent attachment style:
- Result of inconsistent/overbearing caregivers.
- Desire intimacy but worry their partners will not reciprocate their affection.
- Short lived romantic relationships, but enters relationships faster among the other type of attachment styles.
- Most upset when love not reciprocated.
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love states that romantic love is a mix of intimacy and passion without commitment.
I always wonder whether what I’m feeling is human nature or there’s just something wrong with me.
I enter relationships that don’t last or are purely destructive to my emotions.
Perhaps I’m looking for something that is unattainable in nature. Maybe I’ve been wanting something that nobody has. Or somehow I’m doing something wrong?
Sometimes I get confused with what I’m feeling- I don’t know whether it’s a broken heart or a heart that wants to be broken.
I identify with what is called the ambivalent attachment style when it comes to investing my feelings in the opposite sex. I identify with what is said about the ambivalent attachment style and what causes it. I feel like there is always a void that needs to be filled whenever I’m alone.
Sometimes I miss my dad, most of the time I’m looking for something to fill that empty space.
Maybe I’ve been wanting to seek refuge in a person who is perceived by society as the person who would understand me the most. A sense of false security, a temporary relief, the desire to make myself whole.
Somehow deep down I know nothing would last, but still I invest a lot into it, as it made me whole. When it is over as it should be, there is a large space of emptiness. I’m left wondering what is happening to me.
Whenever I hear a song of particular significance, smell a subtle familiar scent, or see a sight that used to be encountered routinely, I feel that longing. It gets too intense at times that I’m overwhelmed by my own ineptness at dealing with my feelings.
Am I longing for the past or the future? I can never seem to answer that question.
The answer currently does not seem as important as wanting to feel whole.
Filed under: routine
It’s been a while since I last updated. I am done with my mid terms and past quizzes which I missed due to my neverending fever. It’s all done now and I’m able to continue life.
After being in a state of unhealthiness for a long time, I’ve been having a constant feeling of paranoia. What if it comes back like how it did previously? It is such a burden to fall sick for so long.
Falling sick makes me yearn for things which I don’t normally yearn for that much. It’s extremely satisfying to be having what I’ve been wanting for a long time. I go home feeling content. I’ve never really appreciated little pleasures such as food and drinks until recently when all I’ve been fed for weeks are bread, porridge and water. I’ve already eaten a McDonald’s meal, mushroom soup, and drank beer. Currently, I need chicken chop in mushroom sauce and salad.
I’m up and running. I just hope I’ll stay this way.
