because the name Alvin is taken.

I was having flashbacks of me watching a little bit of Oprah, Tyra Banks and Ellen DeGeneres on television, when I realized that men do not have similar role models when it comes to enriching  the feminine part of our lives as mentioned in those talk shows. Similar to the Anima and Animus of Jungian theory and the Ying and Yang of Chinese philosophy, I believe that feminity and masculinity are complementary; a person has to  be able to embrace both aspects of him or herself to become a complete person.

Masculinity is synonymous to independence, assertiveness, and control while feminity relates to attachment, cooperation and interpersonal connection. To be able to grasp both aspects would make a person androgynous.

For as long as history could tell us to this very day, the suppression of power by males on females is evident. Traits that are considered good were to be masculine traits (think bravery, brotherhood, independence, being a leader); men controlled economic and political power and to a certain extent dictate how the world goes round.

But does this hold true?

While women are rising up to the challenge and bringing about a greater sense of equality through breaking glass ceilings, thus challenging the world in what seemed to be driven by men and masculinity, men have not improved in the other half of their selfs to the extent women have improved theirs.

While women are improving in making themselves a complete person through embracing their feminity and excelling at what had been seen as masculine, men are stuck doing what they’ve been doing all these while- pursuing material wealth and power.

Sex and relationships are aspects of life that are still within the control of women, and men are at their mercy.

An example: What does a man do when he wants to pursue a relationship with a person of the opposite sex?

He supplicates and submits himself to her, hoping that he will get chosen.

He channels all of his energy towards her, while she is having a choice of many.

He deals with this issue indirectly, pursuing material wealth and power, in hopes of a female choosing him over others.

We, as men, are losing in the power struggle of humanity. If it were to be the survival of the fittest, it would only come down to two options for the male kind:

- to embrace both halves of a person, replicate and survive. Or,

- to deny our weaknesses, accept inferiority, and get weeded off in the process of evolution.

I noticed a lady listening to her iPod while having a cup of coffee on a Wednesday afternoon. Not a typical sight in Malaysia, where the collectivist nature of our culture predominates us, fearing judgment and inhibits us from real behavior and thought.

We exchanged pleasantries, and I noticed that her accent is not typical within the Malaysian population. I asked, and she mentions that she has been working as an accountant in the UK for 3 years but due to the current economic crisis, chose to come back to Malaysia for a break, and maybe even further her studies.

I then noticed a big ring on her index finger, but I ignored it for a moment, since we were having a conversation about which postgraduate programs are offered in the universities here.  It turns out we are living in the same housing area, and she asked about good places to eat there late at night. We exchanged contact details, and I left.

———————-

I was holding an ice blended Espresso, looking for a place to sit. Most of the seats are taken, and there was a person whom from first glance looked like my age. She looked Chinese, but at the same time did not resemble a pure Asian. My first guess would be that she is an Indonesian Chinese, but I could be mistaken. I asked if I could join her, and she nodded.

I noticed the cigarette that she is smoking: long, slim and refined. I asked her about it, and I soon found out that she is from Kazakhstan, and that the cigarettes were from her home country. I found out that Kazakhstan is a country between Russia and China, hence the mixed look (pardon my lack of Geography knowledge). She’s studying at a University College nearby, and lives at a high rise student condominium visible from the cafe. She said ‘it was nice to meet you’ and proceeded to get on a cab. There was a brief moment of hesitation on her part as she was leaving.

——————–

We often tell jokes or stories that give the best response:  laughter, amazement, or to any effect that we feel we would want to project to the other party. We find ourselves telling the same jokes to different people because it fulfills the purpose of a joke, which is to inject humor into the conversation. The more we use these conversational threads, the more proficient we  get at it. We adopt these as conversational routines.

We just simply get better at talking by talking to more people and finding out what works. Chemistry does not happen by itself, it is made.

Discovering that conversation does not flow by mere coincidence made me see things in a different light. At first, a pessimistic view by which everything seemed mechanical. Later on, joy to be able to discover an individual’s unique self through rich and fulfilling communication.

——————-

I meant to publish this sooner, but didn’t come around on doing it. I will be doodling again, for safekeeping. kuansean is open for business

Having the lifestyle that I want within my grasp, but not being able to do so when I want it to happen.

Being the person that I want to be, but not being able to be who I want to be when I want to be who I want to be the most.

I guess it’s not my time yet.

We should be able to discern between what is the right and wrong decision. There is no in between, but what there is is a varying degree of right and wrong. When faced with a hard decision to make, there would be time to let it linger. The indecision can only linger for so long,  because soon it would be time to make the call and move on.

The clock is ticking. My time is almost up.

Amidst the backward architecture, medical apparatus and bad handwriting was a feeling of uneasiness. My vivid imagination churned out forward flashes of what I would have to endure as a sick person in the distant future.

Hospital visits are never pleasant.

My only hope right now is for him to be well again.

A little over half a century ago our forefathers put my country into a state of liberty.

I was born in this country 20 years ago. I’ve lived here for 20 years. I’ve been walking on this land for 20 years. I am a 20 year old Malaysian citizen.

What is this obsession of associating me and a country I’ve not stepped foot on throughout my entire life? Why do I need to return to a foreign land when I’m already home?

Was my country independent a little over a century ago, or is it only beginning?

I am so tired I have not had proper sleep for weeks I feel the throbbing at the back of my eyes and head I cant sleep Why is this happening I cant get things out of my head I’m losing direction blablablaoawimfsdfkjlngagj